Episode 3 of life: A New Hope

Star Wars reference in the title, am I cool yet?

Image

darth vader is way too cool for you

Ahem.

Before I start, I should say that I’ve finished 2 more chapters of my science fiction story. I didn’t get to 50k during NaNoWriMo but I did accomplish that much. I’ll publish an excerpt soon if I find a suitable passage to publish here. 😛

Now. This is all because I’ve begun to realize that plans excite me, especially plans for life changes when I don’t really uber enjoy my life right now. It’s gotten better than it was, especially now that my family is home for break. I’m also working on an illustration project with my friend Adam Rowe (find him at http://unboxup.wordpress.com/, and the project at academicemmett.com). It’s given me more to focus on, and more drawing practice, which I need. Plus the stories are hilarious and amusing and fun to draw anyways.

But, in an effort to give myself better goals and a light at the end of the tunnel for this stage in my life, I devised a plan for new job apps. I desperately need to update my portfolio site, since the layout is boring and I haven’t included my most recent work. So I’m hoping to get that finished by the end of next month. I’ll have to finish a few of the personal illustration projects I’m working on, since I started them months ago and left them to rot after realizing they weren’t as cool as I wanted…but whatever. At least, if I don’t think my art is cool, it will push me to improve, and finishing things is better than not finishing them…

Then, after my portfolio is done, I’m hoping to apply for jobs in the Harrisburg/Philadelphia area, as well as near Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and NYC (or at least somewhere in New York state or New Jersey…we’ll see.) I just have to get out of my hometown. There’s literally nothing here for me. My favorite grandma just moved to the other side of the country, all my best college friends are far away, and all my other good friends (and my boyfriend) who are still in college are going to be graduating and moving away in a few months anyways…there’s no one here who I feel the need to stick around for anymore. So that’s nice, since I know that when I move I won’t be tearing myself in two over it.

And then, of course, I’ll have to wait, and send in tons of job apps and work samples every week, and I’m sure that will be just as stressful as it was this summer…but at least I have a car now, and some savings, so I can actually get my own place in the foreseeable future. W00t.

So who knows what will actually happen, but this is what I’m shooting for. It’s not just New Year’s resolutions. I really need these plans, if only to get myself out of the anxious, depressed, self-hating rut I’ve been in for the past few months.

And hey, thanks for sticking with me, and putting up with the random life updates. 🙂

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I’m so sorry.

I just had to make that reference.

This is kind of a…journal entry. If you’re not into sad, fun-less personal stuff, please kindly move on to something more amusing.

Do you ever have problems that you wish you could tell to someone, but not anyone you know? So you want to talk to random strangers and followers on the internet?

I normally use my personal tumblr for posts like this, but my relatives read it on occasion and I feel awkward about that sometimes…So here’s this.

I apologize if you follow my blog for the writing and are only getting the occasional post about life every few months. I’m kind of disappointed with myself in that I haven’t written as much fiction or fun stuff as I wanted. I’m disappointed with myself in general, so that kills my motivation to do anything, aside from that which other people are counting on me to do. Like work, and teaching a Sunday school class, and a few other random projects.

It’s probably a good thing there are people asking me to do stuff. Otherwise I would just lie on my bed and browse the web or read or watch TV shows all my waking hours, and I probably wouldn’t eat much. I just feel kind of…eh.

Except for the times when my thoughts are so negative that I want to go jump off a bridge. Well, I wouldn’t actually do that. But I can’t stop my thoughts from becoming black and miry like a bitter inky licorice swamp prison. It’s hard to get out once they start. All I can really do is wallow, and try to trudge on with my day, silently apologizing to any- and everyone for my failures, past, present, and future.

I don’t want to do anything. I’m confused about my dating relationship–just when I realize I need him, I also begin to think that there are things I want to be different that might never be–and I just want everything to be ok and figured out and good and normal. I’m not accomplishing all the grand things I wanted to do…or at least not at the pace that I’d like. I don’t think there’s anyone here in town who I feel really comfortable telling my problems to…and it’s aggravating having to rely on Skype and phone for those with whom I can talk.

I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I thought I was just sad about not liking my job and not having all my friends around, but I don’t know. I thought things were getting better, but I’ve been in an odd funk for about two weeks and I’d like it to go away as soon as is convenient. Sometimes I just lie on my bed or on the couch and stare at the ceiling. It’s hard to get up. I always do, but I’m afraid that someday I won’t be able to.

I’m not sure why it’s like this. All I can do is wonder when I’ll do something right. I’m trying, but deep down I have a feeling that older people are looking at me and shaking their heads.

I’m sorry. I know you didn’t want to read something like this. It’s not fun or well written, it has no literary value. It’s weak and silly and now you know how pathetic I can be. But I need help. I don’t even know what kind of help I need. If you like praying, please pray for me. If not…I don’t know. Send me a kind telepathic message. Maybe I’ll get it and feel better.