I’m so sorry.

I just had to make that reference.

This is kind of a…journal entry. If you’re not into sad, fun-less personal stuff, please kindly move on to something more amusing.

Do you ever have problems that you wish you could tell to someone, but not anyone you know? So you want to talk to random strangers and followers on the internet?

I normally use my personal tumblr for posts like this, but my relatives read it on occasion and I feel awkward about that sometimes…So here’s this.

I apologize if you follow my blog for the writing and are only getting the occasional post about life every few months. I’m kind of disappointed with myself in that I haven’t written as much fiction or fun stuff as I wanted. I’m disappointed with myself in general, so that kills my motivation to do anything, aside from that which other people are counting on me to do. Like work, and teaching a Sunday school class, and a few other random projects.

It’s probably a good thing there are people asking me to do stuff. Otherwise I would just lie on my bed and browse the web or read or watch TV shows all my waking hours, and I probably wouldn’t eat much. I just feel kind of…eh.

Except for the times when my thoughts are so negative that I want to go jump off a bridge. Well, I wouldn’t actually do that. But I can’t stop my thoughts from becoming black and miry like a bitter inky licorice swamp prison. It’s hard to get out once they start. All I can really do is wallow, and try to trudge on with my day, silently apologizing to any- and everyone for my failures, past, present, and future.

I don’t want to do anything. I’m confused about my dating relationship–just when I realize I need him, I also begin to think that there are things I want to be different that might never be–and I just want everything to be ok and figured out and good and normal. I’m not accomplishing all the grand things I wanted to do…or at least not at the pace that I’d like. I don’t think there’s anyone here in town who I feel really comfortable telling my problems to…and it’s aggravating having to rely on Skype and phone for those with whom I can talk.

I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I thought I was just sad about not liking my job and not having all my friends around, but I don’t know. I thought things were getting better, but I’ve been in an odd funk for about two weeks and I’d like it to go away as soon as is convenient. Sometimes I just lie on my bed or on the couch and stare at the ceiling. It’s hard to get up. I always do, but I’m afraid that someday I won’t be able to.

I’m not sure why it’s like this. All I can do is wonder when I’ll do something right. I’m trying, but deep down I have a feeling that older people are looking at me and shaking their heads.

I’m sorry. I know you didn’t want to read something like this. It’s not fun or well written, it has no literary value. It’s weak and silly and now you know how pathetic I can be. But I need help. I don’t even know what kind of help I need. If you like praying, please pray for me. If not…I don’t know. Send me a kind telepathic message. Maybe I’ll get it and feel better.

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